The Nanny Ad

Although I write for a living, which most of my family members still don’t believe given the third grade spelling errors they find in my greeting cards and e-mails (but when I am off duty, then I am off duty!), putting down on paper the ideal babysitting candidate in an eloquent fashion was more challenging than I thought. I didn’t want to look to needy, but didn’t want to seem too complacent.

So I spent the morning researching all the tips and tricks for putting together the perfect nanny ad. But despite all the suggestions – from make your family look interesting to be clear in your requirements (like just say you want a college educated, non-smoker) – I realized I was trying to find the best way to state that I am searching for my clone without sounding too pompous. And to continue to not sound too pompous, I know I that I am not great, but I don’t want anyone better so I stay great in my children’s eyes. At the same time, I don’t want anyone worse, because then I would feel like I am selling them short (like offering them a Kia when they deserve a Volvo). So if I was going to be completely truthful in my ad, I think it would have gone something like this.

Stressed Working Mom Seeking Part-time Nanny
I am a full-time working mom once again questioning the best child care scenario for my children. I thought things were going to be easier once we hit school age (my son is five and my daughter is three), but I feel like we are just faced with a new set challenges. After five years of having my kids in either in-home care, daycare, pre-school, with me or with grandparents, I figured it was time to try a another option (Starting August 10) that provides the following (Monday – Thursday, from 12:00 noon to 5:00 pm):

- More time at the home for the kids (I want my son to jump off the kindergarten bus and be able to play Star Wars or baseball in the neighborhood)
- More time with the kids for me (I love getting a hug from my daughter in between meetings)

Although I am fortunate to work out of a home office and telecommute to my corporate headquarters in Arizona, I need to approach my working hours as if I am "out of the house." Therefore, we are looking for someone experienced, confident, persistent and energetic, as well as flexible and with their own transportation, to care for our children and keep them from screaming while I am on the phone, watching too much NickJR and writing on the living room walls with a black Sharpie. If you can add a bit of fun, creativity and structure, then you make the short list. If you can also meet the specific job requirements below, then you are hired:

- Must be willing to sing songs, play patty cake or go to a music and me class (I just can’t do it)
- Must be willing to French braid hair (I really can’t do it)
- Must be willing to do arts and crafts (the thought of making and cleaning up the mess currently keeps all Crayola products locked up in my basement)
- Must be able to cook meals other than hot dogs and mac-n- cheese (Ok, they can be better than me at some things)
- Must be able to say no to Alex, yet do so in the right way that considers his sensitive side and obsessive compulsive tendencies
- Must not throw any dirty diapers away in the kitchen trash can (I don’t consider this a house cleaning item, just common sense)
- Must not ignore Casey (too many people in our house already do)
- Must not be a smoker or drinker (while on the clock)
- Must not be judgmental when I go on my morning bike rides
- Must not be judgmental when the Friday afternoon happy hour starts
- Must be super cool, like Reality TV and eventually feel like part of the family

Feel free to forward this version to anyone in the business, but I am pretty sure it will not be generating too many leads.